Managing Guilt & Regret in Grief by Jane Cornman, Bereavement Coordinator
Do any of these thoughts sound familiar to you? “If only I had…” “Why on earth didn’t I…” “How did I miss…” “I should have been the one…”
During grief, many of us struggle with guilt. It makes sense. When something as awful as the death of a loved one happens, it is natural to spend time thinking about everything that led to such an unhappy result. It is also natural to review our relationship with the deceased person and regret unresolved issues.
Sometimes our guilt is justified. We are not proud of something that clearly could have been done differently. But the funny thing about guilt in grief is that it can also be completely irrational. I have met grieving people who are truly convinced that they should have been able to read their loved one’s mind or foretell the future.
Regardless of whether our guilt is justified or not, it can make grief more complicated. How do we let go of it when the person who needs to forgive us is no longer there? A good first step is to recognize that we did the best we could, remembering that “best” is not the same as “perfect.” All humans are imperfect and inexperienced, muddling through challenging circumstances the best we know how. We need to have some grace with ourselves.
Another helpful strategy is to look at our regrets in terms of what we learned. Although we will never be able to go back and change the past, we can make amends by determining to take the lessons we’ve learned and do better next time. This can become a way to honor the person we feel guilty about.
Self-forgiveness is an important part of grief, but it’s always harder to have grace with ourselves than it is to have grace with others. It can be helpful to imagine what someone we love - the person who died, a beloved parent or mentor, or (for people of faith) God - might say to us about our sense of guilt. They would probably be much kinder than we are being to ourselves.
A final thing to understand about guilt is that sometimes we don’t want to let go of it because it’s a way of imagining we’re in control. Life is capricious and unfair, and guilt can be a way of rewriting the story with the outcomes we would have preferred: “If only I had… then my loved one wouldn’t have died.” It’s sad to think that we would rather claim responsibility than accept that sometimes bad things happen for no good reason.
If you are struggling with guilt, please have grace and take good care of yourself. Find someone you can confide in – a trusted friend, a therapist or clergy, or your bereavement coordinator. Your grief has taught you that life is precious and often too short. You deserve to live the rest of yours with a healthy and resilient conscience.
